It's Valentine's season once again and love is in the air. Coronavirus notwithstanding, love birds are putting finishing touches to waoh the love of their lives on Valentine's Day.

There are strategic alignments and realignments this season - while some are getting married this Valentine weekend, some are prepping to pop the all-important wedding proposal question. There are others who are hoping that their friendship relationship would blossom into a romantic one; while sadly some relationships may also end this season.

The story made headlines around the world –

Novak Djokovic out of US Open after hitting line judge with a tennis ball - ESPN

Novak Djokovic hits a ball at US Open line judge - Telegraph UK

The great Novak Djokovic, a living legend of the game of tennis, had just been disqualified from the ongoing 2020 US Open tournament.

Novak Djokovic walking off the court after being disqualified from the US Open

Who is Novak Djokovic?

For the uninitiated, Novak Djokovic is currently the world number 1 ranked tennis player.  The 33-year-old Serbian who is a 17-time grand slam champion strides the world of tennis like a colossus. He is best known for his prolific drop shots and return of serve especially on the hard courts of tennis.

Djokovic stands head and shoulder above his fiercest rivals - Rafael Nadal (ranked number 2 in 2020 ATP rankings) and Roger Federer (ranked number 4 in the 2020 ATP rankings) 

And NO, the great tennis player was not defeated by an opponent in open play. He was disqualified for accidentally hitting one of the officials - the line judge - with the tennis ball on her neck

But surely, such an unintentional action could have been overlooked especially for such a great player like the 17-time grand slam champion! Alas! rules are rules even for the great Novak and he was shown the exit door out of the competition. 

Hear what the USTA -United States Tennis Association had to say about the incident:

Friemel (the officiating referee) defaulted Djokovic "in accordance with the Grand Slam rulebook, following his actions of intentionally hitting a ball dangerously or recklessly within the court or hitting a ball with negligent disregard of the consequences."

His opponent - Pablo Carena Busta - got an easy qualification into the next round of the competition. 

And, he is not alone. Some years back, another legendary player in the women category – Serena Williams – who was chasing a personal ambition of equalling, was also disqualified for verbally assaulting an official over a poor decision. Poor Serena, her greatness notwithstanding, the official simply enforced the rules and she was booted out of that competition for that year.

...if anyone competes as an athlete, he does not win the prize unless he competes according to the rules.

Life lessons from Novak Djokovic

1) Be humble enough to accept your mistakes

Novak Djokovic showed great strength of character by owning up and apologising for his error both onfield and later publicly on social media. On realising his mistake, his countenance changed and he immediately went over to apologise to the line judge who was holding her neck in pain

Novak Djokovic apologises to the line judge

Despite his fame and popularity, he laid aside ego and pride, chose to eat the humble pie, apologised and accepted the disqualification verdict of the umpire.

'I apologise to the US Open tournament and everyone associated for my behaviour' - Novak Djokovic

2) Anger is very costly

Novak Djokovic was the overwhelming favourite to win the 2020 US Open. His closest rivals in persons of Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer were not competing in this year's tournament, hence Djokovic was the expected to claim the title.

Djokovic, however, was angry during the game - he had gotten off to a slow start, was making unforced errors and even slipped and hurt his shoulder at a time. To crown it off, he was trailing his opponent in that round.

In the heat of pressure and emotions, he hit the ball without looking towards the back of the court and it hit the line judge who immediately fell on the ground clutching her neck.

That moment of insanity put a stain on Djokovic's impeccable records, which would take a while to wipe off. It also cost him about $250,000 in prize money as well as forfeiture of ranking points! Unchecked anger is costly. Learn to control your anger.

If you cannot control your anger, you are as helpless as a city without walls, open to attack.

3) Turn your setbacks to spring backs

Perhaps the most important lesson to emulate from the world number 1 is his determination to turn this ugly episode in his career into a spring back. He took to his Instagram page after the incidence to pen the following:

“As for the disqualification, I need to go back within and work on my disappointment and turn this all into a lesson for my growth and evolution as a player and human being,” 

This is what distinguishes the boys from the men, the contenders from the champion - the attitude and mental strength to look within and make honest self-appraisals and corrections. The capacity to spot the silver lining in the dark cloud, to rise up when you fall, to turn disappointments into victories. I shared a personal experience here.

Rules of Engagement of Life

Like the game of tennis ( as any other structured sports), life itself has rules that govern the interactions of human beings. Almost every field of human endeavour is governed by a set of rules set up and enforced by a governing authority.

The universe itself is governed by a set of rules, set up and enforced by the creator of the universe – GOD Almighty. And like any inventor or manufacturer of a product, the Almighty has detailed the mechanisms and modus operandi of life in his operating manual. Ignorance of these mechanisms or rules of engagement of life is not an excuse and violation attracts consequences.

My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.

Some rules govern family, marriage, raising children, careers and business, politics and government, sports etc. The frustration experienced by most people in certain areas of life is simply because they are going against the rules of engagement of life either through ignorance or simply by wilful recalcitrance.

Some characteristics of rules 

1)      1)  They are set up by a governing body to guide the operations or interactions of people within the jurisdiction of the governing body, which is saddled with the responsibility of enforcing them.

2)     2) They are usually documented and made available for all to see and know.

3)      3)    They offer rewards and sanctions/punishments/consequences for actions or inactions taken.

4)      4)      They offer predictable outcomes – if someone follows through the rules, there are often rewards and if another person violates them, he/she suffers the consequences.

5)      5)     Rules are levellers. They apply to all kinds of people in all kind of circumstances, their reputation or social status notwithstanding.

6)      6) Ignorance of rules within a specific jurisdiction is inexcusable and is often met with the appropriate sanction or punishment.

Final thoughts... 

Are you playing according to the relevant rules of life?

 In your marriage, are you playing by the rules? Do you realise that there are consequences for mistreating your spouse, your children? Are you relating according to the rules with your in-laws?

In your finances, are you playing according to the rules governing finances? Do you save, invest and give to the poor and less privileged?

In your health, are you playing according to the rules? Do you take adequate care of your body understanding that you are just a tenant in it? Or do you abuse it indiscriminately with drugs, alcohol, unhealthy foods? Do you exercise regularly as well as going for a regular medical check-up?

Do you realise that one day you would retire from active work, your body would not be strong enough to carry through and you will be unable to work and fend for yourself? Are you adequately preparing for that 'rainy' day? 

Do you realise that the real you – your soul which expresses your unique personality- is a tenant in your body and that one day the tenancy will expire and your soul will be evicted? Are you making adequate preparation for that day of eviction? 

Let's play the game of life according to its rules.

Updates

Novak Djokovic shook off the setback and disappointment of the US Open to clinch the Italian Open title. He did so in grand style by defeating Diego Schwartzman in straight sets of 7-5. 6-3 on Monday 21st September 2020. With this triumph. Djokovic won his 36th Masters title, surpassing the record he and Rafael Nadal once shared. He is currently in the quarter-finals of the ongoing French Open 2020!

That is the stuff Champions are made off. They turn their setbacks into springboards for success. Great job Djokovic!

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STOP!!!! You may be abusing your child without even realizing it!!! There are various forms of child abuse and sexual abuse is just one of them.

Let's get started...

Children are bundles of joy, priceless treasures to their parents specifically and the world in general. They are brought forth in families and entrusted to parents for nurturing, development and training. The parents are to love and care for them, shelter them,, inculcate values into them. The child's first world view is shaped from the home hence the saying 'Charity begins at home.'

Parents are entrusted with the enormous responsibility of discovering and harnessing each child's unique endowments, talents and gifting. These divine endowments define a child's personality and differentiate one child from the other even within the same family. A lack of understanding of this fundamental idea is the root and bane of child abuse especially in Africa

What is Child Abuse?

The United Nations defines a child as a human being under the age of the eighteen (18) years.  The General Assembly in 1959 adopted the Declaration of the Rights of the Child, which defines children’s rights to protection, education, health care, shelter, and good nutrition.

Simply put, 

Child abuse is when a child is denied his/her basic rights or happiness. 

When children are denied their basic needs including feeding, clothing, shelter, love, that's Child abuse. 

When children are undermined or used them against their will to further the cause of others. that's Child abuse. 

When their freedom is stifled or outrightly denied without consideration of their esteem or feelings, that's Child abuse.

Let's consider some practical examples of child abuse particularly within the African context.

1) Stop indiscriminate physical abuse! 

Flogging a child as a form of discipline is the most common form of physical abuse of children in Africa. Its intent is to correct a child's wrongdoing. It is believed that flogging/caning instils fear into a child and thereby acts as a deterrent to doing wrong and truancy. Hence the fear of the rod/cane becomes the beginning of the discipline. 

Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.

However, most African parents batter their children in the name of flogging them. This is because they flog at the spur of the moment, in the heat of anger.  The flogging thus becomes excessive and inflicts injuries, bruises and wounds on the child. 

That's when flogging becomes physical child abuse - when it stops been corrective but punitive in nature. You may want to read more on my idea of flogging a child as a form of discipline here. 

In summary,

Flogging is meant to be a tool to lovingly correct an errant child as opposed to being an instrument to unleash terror that leaves scars, wounds and injuries on the child's body. 

2. Stop verbal abuse!

Verbal abuse is another common form of child abuse. It occurs when parents demean their children by raining insults, abuses on them; calling them names when they are provoked. The effect of verbal abuse results in emotional trauma as children struggles with their self-esteem even till adulthood. Many become timid and shy, not knowing how to express themselves as a result of the inferiority complex developed.

Hence pouring invectives on a child for wrongdoing is not a healthy way of correcting them but rather it pulls them down and destroys their esteem. A child should grow up with praise rather than abuse. Praise builds the esteem that criticisms destroy

Let's stop verbal abuse, please!!! 

3. Stop denying children food as a form of punishment!

This act was quite rampant whilst growing up. Our parents erroneously denied food as a form of punishment for wrongdoing. This usually follows a round of verbal and physical abuse after a child errs. The understanding then was that an empty stomach would provoke some sort of remorse as well as a form of control. 

This punitive style, however, does more harm than good. When a child is denied his/her basic needs in the home, the tendency is to look for that need outside the home. If a child is denied love at home, then he/she goes looking for it outside, most times from friends. In the same vein, if a child is denied food at home, then he/she goes outside to vend and feed himself. This leads to exposure to vices including stealing, drugs, violence.

4. Stop exposure to alcohol and alcoholic drinks. 

The UN Charter defines a child as an individual under the age of eighteen (18) years. In Nigeria as well as most African countries, the legally permissible age to consume alcohol is eighteen. Hence anyone under 18 years is considered a minor and is prohibited by law from consuming alcohol. 

As a result of laxity in enforcement, however, this provision of the law is often violated and African parents and guardians now make it a point of duty of introducing their wards to alcohol before the legally permissible age erroneously believing it will toughen the child.

Asides the addictive tendencies, "alcohol can negatively impact on your child's problem-solving skills and performance at school as well as potentially affecting their body, mood and mental health."

5. Stop denying shelter (locking them out!) because they offended you!

Like food and clothing, shelter is one of the basic needs of children. Depriving them of this need because of an offence committed is a form of child abuse. Those who have experienced this form of maltreatment know how unpleasant and unsafe it could be

First, the child is exposed to the elements - harsh weather conditions (like a cold night) and an open invitation for mosquitoes to feast on. Then there is the exposure to negative influences which may result in teenage pregnancies, STIs etc. The stigmatization from this could last a lifetime!

Religious folks with stiff dogmatic beliefs are often prone to meting out this kind of treatment. In an effort in enforcing their beliefs on their children, they often go overboard, handling cases like teenage pregnancy with denial of shelter and sometimes outright disowning of the child!

This manner of punishment however only hardens the heart of the child and steers him into rebellion and hatred of the religion. Please let's stop it!

6. Stop the Failed Promises!

Do you remember promising your child a reward for performing a task like passing his/her exams? "Junior, you say, 'daddy would buy you a bicycle if you score straight As in your exam!'"

Excited and motivated, Junior studies hard, daily dreaming of how he would show off his bicycle to his friends in the neighbourhood.  He has absolute faith that daddy would keep his word. In his mind, owning a bicycle is a done deal. But alas! daddy was only joking!!!!

You can then imagine devastation when daddy doesn't keep his promise, even after he scored straight As! His hopes and dreams are shattered and he is heartbroken.

Dear parent, your children do not forget your promises. Their impressionable minds absorb and believe all that you tell them.

In the first instance, promising a child a gift to do tasks at home, or be in their best behaviour, or for good academic performance, and not fulfilling that promise is not good as a promise is a commitment to do something.

When a promise is made to a child, the child's hopes is heightened as he/she becomes expectant. When that promise is not fulfilled even after they have played their own part of the deal, the child's hopes are shattered and they will begin to lose their trust in you. Moreso, they get the impression that promises are not meant to be kept.

Please stop the empty promises! It is better not to promise at all that promise and not fulfil them. You don't want to come across as a liar and a dishonest person.

7. Stop the needless errands!.

There are age-appropriate errands your child can run at a certain age...

If you live in a densely populated area, a compound full of people, reduce the number of people sending your child unnecessary errands. Your child should not be made available to anyone who wants to sneeze, cough or drink water... Your child is not their errand Joe or delivery van.

Do you know a child shouldn't be sent to buy beer, cigarette, pad, for adults?

If a child cannot exercise their franchise to vote, then it is absolutely wrong on the side of adults to make children/minors run this kind of errands.

Why can't adults run their errands themselves?

8. Stop using children in the 'love triangle'.

Those big uncles, aunties and older cousins are guilty of this. They use their little cousins, nieces and nephews as their dispatch rider to deliver love notes/messages to their love interest, whenever things go south between them.

A child shouldn't be caught up in all that heartbreak muddle. Spare them that drama while you deal with your challenges without involving them.

9. Stop the comparisons!

Never compare a child to other children. It destroys their esteem and confidence level.

I know the aim is to challenge the child to do better but your child's mate is not and should not be their benchmark for success/progress or growth. Every child is unique in their own way and path. Their journeys are different. Let them grow at their own pace.

10. Stop the adult content programming.

TV content comes with ratings. There are this meant for kids, and those rated PG and those classified 18+... In all this, as adults do you pay attention to the warning labels on these films or you just overlook and allow them to?

It is wrong.

Children are very impressionable. Their inquisitive minds like a sponge, absorb whatever it is exposed to.  Hence whatever they are exposed to is what they manifest. Children shouldn't be allowed to view adult contents. They should be restricted. And adult content should not be watched during the time children are around because sometimes it will be very difficult to explain these things to them.

The whole idea is to identify our areas of fault and make adjustments.

11)  Stop using your children to fulfil your own dreams

Your child is not the fill-in-the-gap, of the childhood memory you wished you should have had. Let them wear clothes that are age-appropriate for them, and not for your image/person.

You did not have them to live life through your lens... Their life is not your childhood dreams or to relive your childhood fantasies.

Please let's stop living our dreams through their lives.